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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
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A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.
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I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
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Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
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First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
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The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
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My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
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Why do people say “no offense" right before they’re about to offend you?
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
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USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
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Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
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I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
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If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
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How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them.
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I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
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How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
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